come on baby in our dreams, we can live our misbehavior.

oh, southbysouthwest. where do i begin with you.

well, a few weeks ago i landed in the great state of texas for sxsw interactive. it was my first time attending the geek/drink/party/self promote/abuse your body conference/festival. and, yes, it was everything i was expecting. an amazing time was had by all. and the girls to backpacks ratio (thanks @danmartell via @whitscott) was most certainly enjoyable.

but besides being a conference/festival boasting all of the above things… it was a breeding ground for hookups. yes, i get it, what do you expect when you have thousands of smart, intelligent and attractive people in a four block radius with all the free booze their livers, voices and stomachs can handle. but whoa.

talk about booze/sex extravaganza. i have friends that had sx boyfriends, makeouts, crushes, hookups and everything in between. and everyone had prepared me to expect this… but it got me thinking about the tag line given to the whole hoopla.

”sxsw: the spring break for geeks.” honestly, yes, it’s funny, and we are all adults and can hookup all we want, but it is exactly what it felt like. spring break freeforall (literally) with no consequences, no adult life things to deal with. but the thing about this analogy is that we are NOT 18-21. we are adults, and there are consequences. or…. are there? (see upcoming post on fidelity.)

it’s like when you go to a park and you see adults on the swings… you think, oh they are a little big for that, but who cares, it’s sweet. and then you see those same adults on the slide that is made for someone half their size and you think… is that even fun?

do the things that we thought were the most invigorating, exhilarating things in the world at 19 really still appeal to us now? drinking till we black out and hooking up with the cutest boy/girl that is interested back?

i guess sxsw is the ultimate escape. because those things did/do still appeal. to smart successful adults, experts in their craft. do not get me wrong, i am not in any way judging the hooks ups or binge drinking (which i partook in plenty) i guess i am just a little surprised at the college age free for all mentality that accompanied the frivolity. well that comes out judgmental too. how about this… i am honestly surprised at the purely animalistic nature of the whole thing. it was bare bones party party sex sex. nothing wrong with it. it was there. just, like, um another guest in every room i went it. talk to him to hook up. get them together to hook up. get drunk to hook up. get through panels to drink and hook up. ok, clarity. i just didn’t expect it to be one of the core goals of the event itself. and it was.

so i have a few thoughts on how this all pertains to me. i, in fact, did not go the springbreak hookup route at sx, thank you for asking. i met some amazzzziiiinnnnggggg people… boys specifically too. some with girlfriends, some with out, some that liked me more than i was interested in them, some that i was interested in that were not in return (or didn’t show it, or were MORE interested in someone else). and that is where it stayed. because i realized… wait let me clarify-i was not without opportunity to hook up. dear god, not the case…. so i just realized that (for me) i just felt like, “i am NOT 18-21 anymore.” i did alllll that then. and then was enough. for me. i am not judging anyone that did anything. moreover, sxsw solidified that i am one hundred percent looking only for connection. i am completely apathetic to the random hookup. some of me feels saddened that this frivolous fun loving sexy part of my life is over. or on a break. a long long break. and the majority of me feels like i have never been more sure of what i am supposed to be doing for me. or if you want to say what i am not supposed to be doing for me.

yet, knowing that i am one hundred percent doing what i want and need to be doing does put to rest this little baby part of me that feels inadequate for not meeting seven new husbands, or having a sxboyfriend, or hookup buddy, or makeout partner or whatever.

i know i don’t want it. but it seems like i was supposed to. and maybe that’s where my inadequacy comes in. have i become complacent in my young adult life where i no longer desire? and then my mind jumps to answer that question with, ‘absolutely not.’ and i feel one hundred percent certain in that.

so. here i am feeling like i am supposed to be feeling something that i know is not what i need to be doing for me. yes, i do actually believe that sentence made sense.

so. there it is. the initial sxsw experience. and it’s neatly packed laundry. (the dirty laundry comes out next.)

come on hide your lovers underneath the covers