…and it comes with a goodbye.

i’d like to rest my heavy head tonight on a bed of california stars. i’d like to lay my weary bones tonight, on a bed of california stars.

i’ve talked about my inherent need for travel. it’s like the spin cycle to my daily wash. i can live life without it, but i’m a big dripping sloppy mess. it clears my head, wrings me out, and leaves me fresh and clean for more daily use.

and most of the time, this travel includes some form of spending time with someone that i care immensely about. lately, that someone (or someones) live in the locale that i am visiting. as opposed to traveling to a locale with someone in which i care about and with which want to spend time. which means i get my fill of spin cycle rejuvenation, but it comes only at a cost of having to say goodbye. and though the cost of having to say goodbye does not outweigh the benefit of spending time, it’s still a little thorn in the heart that seems to be getting deeper and deeper.

mostly, i am blessed to have friends that live across the country. good friends. true friends. connected friends. i could essentially visit any (cool) place in the US and have a friend to visit, stay with, see, or at the very last resort, accompany me. and for a travel bug like me, this is more valuable than endless quarters to do my laundry.

i suppose it is the nature of those friendships that make me able to visit in the first place- good, true, and connected. but the relational foundation being so positive and important, means that there are equally as strong feelings of icky, false, and disconnection when leaving those friends.

and as i wrote about feeling alone last week, i looked forward to a thanksgiving week spent with the type of friends that are as close to family as friends can get.

but as the week came to a close today, i was ultimately filled with a sense of loss, and sadness to say goodbye. because the thing about friends as close as family is that they chose you. they chose to continue relationships with you, and therefore they chose to accept you. as you. if we are lucky, we are able to define family as people who accept us exactly as we are. but we do acknowledge that family is one of the most uncontrolled relationships in life. so, having friends as close as family denotes almost a higher (well, different) level of importance and acceptance. because, we could have chosen to disengage from that relationship anytime, unaccept the people with whom we are in friendship, and we didn’t.

therefore, seeing these ‘friends as close as family’ fills me up with hope and courage to continue being me, continue moving forward when it seems like no one cares if i move mountains or if i stand still. but this makes saying goodbye to those friends that much harder.

this year i am thankful for my connections across the nation, or world for that matter. thankful for those genuine times of goodness spent with people when i was not worried about being something else, or being misunderstood. or more importantly, when i was worried, and those connections solidified that there was no need.

i’d love to feel your hand touching mine and tell me why i must keep working on…so I’d give this world just to dream a dream with you on our bed of california stars.

california stars- billy bragg and wilco.

food coma

today was yummy.

cinnamon vanilla pecans.
cream cheese toffee pretzel dip.
gouda, havarti, sharp cheddar, jarlsberg.
homemade dill veggie dip.
homemade cheesy spinach and artichoke dip.

smoked (for 7 hours) turkey wrapped in bacon.
baked turkey stuffed with sage and oranges.
mashed potatoes with butter, cream cheese, and garlic.
mashed sweet potatoes with brown sugar, butter, with marshmellows folded in and sugared pecan crumble on top.
stuffing.
cranberry relish (my great aunt’s recipe).
cornbread with homemade (by me) honey butter.
vegan and gluten-free greenbean casserole.

trifle with angel food cake, whipped pudding, berries and powdered sugar.
pumpkin pie with all natural vanilla IC.
gluten and dairy free pear and cranberry crumble.

yum.yum.yum.

so take your hat off, when you’re talking to me.

broke his own heart, poured it in the ground, big red tree grew up and out, throw up its leaves, spins round and round.

ok, you know those songs that you hear, usually on the radio or at a place in which you do not control the music, and they make you instantly in the moment. like nothing else matters. like nearly thirty years of life just hit you right then. and you are soaking it in. and don’t want it to end. you know those songs?

i heard one of them last night. and since then i have just been in love with my moment. because, really, the feeling that started during the song hasn’t left.

it was 7:37pm, i was at bevmo in carlsbad california with @tjferrara and his father. after working a busy day at work,  i had flown from san francisco to the orange county airport, was scooped up by tj, and within 6 minutes of getting in the car i was watching ‘the carter documentary’ about lil wayne in the front seat of his prius. an hour and a half later we were at the grocery store, meeting @tiffanyleonard and tj’s parents (in from detroit). ten minutes later i had departed with the men and at bevmo we arrived.

after wandering with the snarky tjferrara in search of his pops, we arrived at the wall of pinot noir. and i heard this song.

and everything was put into perspective. here i am. in my life. living in california. spending thanksgiving in california. without my family. blood family. feeling like if i couldn’t be with my family, i couldn’t really imagine being with any other people than tiffany and tj. and tj’s parents. because i have known them for so long, they might as well be family. and yea, we that have moved away from ‘home’ often say that our friends are our ‘family,’ but this is for real. genuine love, acceptance, fun, laughs, and ‘this is the grown up life we used to talk about in my bedroom while staying up late in middle school.’ we are adults. and will always be in each other’s lives. and someday, i won’t be the single third wheel asking tj if he has any single male friends that are his clone. but until then, it’s still just perfect.

this is what the holidays are about. living that adult life that you used to imagine when you were in middle school. with those people that you care for and love like family. that aren’t going anywhere.

Belly – Feed The Tree on MUZU.