i wanna know what it’s like on the inside of love. i can’t find my way in, i try again and again.

it’s interesting. the posts that i think are the most crazy scatter brained confused steph seem to get the most comments, the most input and i am shocked. 

so i’m going to write about the only main thought i have on my mind today: fear. i’ve been spiraling into confusion and low self esteem, and frustration with dating and playing the game. but when i strip all of that away. and think about it. i’m scared. 

as of right now. i honestly (gasp!) don’t want to meet anyone. because i am terrified. of losing myself. of being rejected. of letting someone in. but most of all, of being misunderstood. with starting a new life and all, i’ve met a ton of new and amazing friends. but as it is with anything new, i am constintanly having to define myself and my values and my beliefs and my thoughts and my emotions. and because i have been blessed by the universe, most of them get about 90% of what i have to say. but there is always that awkward moment of misunderstanding and that snippet in time leaves me raw and vulnerable and scared and alone. but we are always trying to explain what’s going on up there to other people. that’s what relationships, platonic or romantical, are. sharing that leads to connection. 

but there are those people in that come into our lives that we long to have understand us more than others. that we want to understand who we are. many of the times these are people we like or are interested in liking romantically. but what makes the presence of these people in our life so different than explaining ourselves to friends?…. attraction? Continue reading →

think about you all the time. it’s strange and hard to deal. 

so, i’ve been meaning to write this for a few months actually. and now seems to be exactly the right time.

through having some conversations with a friend who had a particularly similar experience this summer to one that i have had, i have begun to wonder about myself. this, i suppose, is where i wish my background were psychology, not communication. but oh well- a post that has been brewing for, well we could say, way more than a few months.

i think i may fall into that large group of people that connects easier to people that are ‘unavailable’ to them. you know, like the girl that falls for the emotionally unavailable guy, or the one in love with someone that lives in another city, or the one with a girlfriend, or. oh shit. wow. any therapists out there. i AM this girl. shit. 

so yea, talking with my friend about his experience (read: giving him my rational perspective on his situation) has allowed me to maybe(?) make some more complex analyzations about this stupid psychological rut that i have grown into. 

apparently it is not just me that seems to open themselves up to connection with unavailable people. i mean there are tons of couples out there that have this ridiculously serendipitous ’how we met story’ (and we know i EAT THAT SHIT UP) (wow, i’m swearing a bit, sorry). so my friend told me that he thought that many people tend to connect with others while on vacation or that have a significant other or what not. and i felt relieved and curious all at once. why? i mean why do we set ourselves up for sabotage of this kind.

i think at its most basic level it’s romantical. there IS nothing like an impossible situation to make someone feel romantic. but what happens when we get all crazy- rationale clouded by connection- and believe that this impossible situation will actually become possible, and everything we ever wanted? heartbreak. that we brought upon ourselves. and man, heartbreak is anything but romantic. Continue reading →

well i guess you left me with some feathers in my hand. did it make it any easier to leave me where i stand? why’d you leave me till i’m only good for… waiting, for you. 

it’s all a game. and usually i’m ok with that. but recently, it’s just really been annoying me. i was speaking with a friend the other night. a friend that i have gotten to know because he has had a girlfriend(s) most of the time we have known each other. and therefore, his main focus is not sleeping with me, but just getting to know me. so we had our first analytical talk of the dating game. and his thoughts, though unbelievably clear, haven’t been sitting well. 

we discussed the ‘levels’ of the dating game. show interest/connection. create an event that jeopardizes that connection (fully knowing that your ‘connection’ will pull through thus intensifying it) then show vulnerability. and boom. they are hooked. and you can get to know one another, and date. or end it if you so desire. 

so i said to my friend ‘but how do you know if they are interested back?’ and he said, well, ‘they just always are.’ and this is where i am hung up. maybe its his confidence (cough cough) that got me thinking. or his assurance that the levels of ‘dating’ are the sure fire way, but it just seems off. like ingenuine, or something. to play that game without ever wondering if they will like you back. at what point does the ‘level’ of making yourself vulnerable become just that? a level, and the vulnerable part becomes only symbolic of actually being vulnerable? Continue reading →